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Me: Daddy has a big birthday coming up this year! He is gonna be 35!
Breeanna: Holy cow! That is so close to 40! He is about to be an old man.
Eythen: Good thing you are only like 29 Mommy!
Me: Ummm. Two things. One ... Eythen, you are currently my favorite for the day. Two ... All I was meaning was that we needed to have a big party for him. Not admit him to a nursing home like Breeanna is suggesting.
Remember!!! Vote for me!!!
1. Your houseplants are alive ... and you can not smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is completely out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in your frig.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up ... not when you are getting into bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an "oldie station".
6. You watch the Weather Channel and CNN.
7. Your friends marry and divorce ... instead of "hook up" and "break up".
8. You go from 130 days of vacation ... to 14 days of vacation.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressing up".
10. You are the one calling the police because those *#^@ kids will not turn down their radio.
11. Having sex on the stairs is out of the question.
12. You do not know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down ... and your car pament goes up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet ... instead of left over McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. Happy Hour is now considered nap time.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole night ... instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a cheeseburger at 3am would severly upset ... instead of settle ... your stomach.
19. You go to WalGreens for ibuprofen and antacid ... instead of condoms and pregnancy test.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit".
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I use to" ... gets replaced with "I amnever gonna drink that much ever again."
23. 90% of the time you spend infront of the computer ... is for real work.
24. You don't get liquored up at home ... to save money ... before going to a bar. Because ... well ... you no longer go to the bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant ... you congratulate them ... instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
26. When someone calls your house after 8:00 ... you wonder who the hell is bothering you at that hour.
27. “I went to the bar for a drink Monday night and woke up in a stranger’s front yard with a yet-to-be-determined substance in my hair, and my wallet, car keys and car missing,” is no longer a justifiable reason to take a sick day.
28. MTV News is no longer your sole source of information.
29. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's.
30. You carry an umbrella.
31. A "late night" is now considered 11:00 p.m.
32. All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
33. All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.
34. Getting "lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
35. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
36. It's tougher to lose weight ... because over time your body and your fat have became the best of friends.
37. You answer a question with ... "Because I said so!"
38. You are proud of your lawn.
39. You begin every other sentence with ... "Nowadays..."
40. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
41. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
42. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
43. You find this list tasteless and insensitive.
44. You know what a Big Chief paper tablet looks like.
45. You look forward to a dull evening.
46. You quit trying to hold your stomach in ... no matter who walks into the room.
47. You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a new car.
48. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio drinking.
49. Your drug of choice is now vitamins.
50. You read this entire list ...desperately for one sign that does not apply to you ... and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
Please take a moment to vote for my blog. Simply click on the link below ... and it will automatically cast a vote for my blog. Peace out.
Clint and I did not have the kids last Friday evening.
I know!!! RIGHT!!!
Two married adults ... all ALONE!!!
You can only imagine what all went on in this quiet house!!!
Well ... let me just stop you right there.
If you are thinking that we ran around naked ... had sex when we wanted ... and partied till the break of dawn ...
Then you are sadly mistaken.
Sadly. Mistaken.
It is official ...
Clint and I are boring ...
And lame ...
AND OLD!!!
SHOCKER HUH!?!?! It really surprised us as well!!! We still thought we were fun, cool and young.
Who would have thought?!?!?
Sure the hell not Clint nor I!!!
5:00 rolled around ... and Clint and I are sitting on the couch ... staring off into space.
Romantic ... I know!!!
Clint: You wanna go out to eat at a restaurant tonight since we do not have the kids???
Me: Not really. I would rather save the money and buy a new outfit for myself.
*Clint flashed me a "what the hell" look*
*I flash a "Well ... you asked if that is what I wanted to do" look*
Clint: I am gonna go take a nap.
Me: NOW?!?!?
Clint: You said you did not wanna go out to eat. What else are we suspose to do?!?!
Right about now is when MOST parents who are kid free would take advantage of an empty house and just "do it" on the kitchen table.
Not us.
We are lame.
I know.
*flash forward a whole whopping 20 minutes later* Clint comes back down the stairs.*
Clint: Wanna watch a movie?
Me: As long as it is not some stupid gross violent movie.
*Clint flashes me a "great now I have to watch a stupid Life Time romanitc sappy movie" look*
*I flash him a "you got that right" look*
Right about now is when MOST parents who are kid free ... would turn off the tv ... and take advantage of an empty house and just "do it" on the stairs.
Not us.
We are boring.
I know.
*flash forward twenty minutes later because we can not agree on a movie to rent*
Clint: Wanna get drunk tonight?
Me: Ehhh ... alright.
*flash forward 2 hours later and a few stiff drinks later*
Clint and I are about to fall asleep on the couch while watching a re-run of Dog The Bounty Hunter on Bravo.
Right about now is when MOST parents who are kid free ... who have been drinking for a few hours ... would take advantage of an empty house and just "do it" in the in the shower.
Not us.
We are old.
I know.
I know I have been MIA for a few days now ... and have not been blogging. If you only knew what all has been going on in my little chaotic world ... you would forgive me ... and still vote for my blog by clicking on the link below. Peace Out Homies.
I am a Mommy of 3 ... in my 30's ... and there are things happening to this body ... that I am not even sure Botox or Plastic Surgery will fix.
* I am pretty sure my bladder is the size of Smurfette.
* "Back fat" ... what the hell is this stuff and why isn't there a gurdle to cover it up.
* My amazing perky 25 year old boobs went south for the winter ... and never come back
* "Fine lines"??? What are these things??? They are more like canyons that are swallowing my face whole.
* Metabolism ... G.O.N.E.
* I think I am gonna start carrying post it notes with me at all times ... because I can never remember why the hell I walked into the kitchen.
* Sneezing = Possibly peeing your pants just slightly. What the hell is gonna happen to me when I am 80???
* Grey hair??? What grey hair??? I go to the salon so often so that I never have to know when I get my first grey hair.
* No one ever warned me that lack of sleep would form these huge bags under my eyes. Actually ... they are not bags ... I have a full set of luggage under my eyes ... and it is enough for the Duggar Family (how many kids are they up to now??? 18??? 19???) to travel to Brazil for a month.
* My ever so lovely ... "Muffin Top". I have convinced myself that my husband thinks it is sexy when he wraps his arms around it.
* Which leads me to the stretch marks that my 3 children blessed me with ... as a permanet reminder that I carried them for 9 months. Yes ... I am pretty sure my husband finds my "skin decorations" just as sexy as the "muffin top".
* I would really like to bitch slap myself "back in the day" when I thought tanning beds were so darn amazing. Now I am buying every type of face cream to try to reverse the fact that I layed in a microwave in my college years.
* Things jiggle ... that sure did not jiggle when I was young, hot, fit and had amazing perky boobs.
* Why am I suddenly squinting? Didn't I have 20/20 vision the last time I got my eyes checked. Which was only a few years ago ... or maybe 10 ... perhaps 15 years ago??? Note to self: Make appointment to get eyes checked out. Scratch that ... where are my post it notes??? I will forget it by the time I walk into the kitchen if I do not write this shit down.
* If the lights are off ... and there is not an ounce of sunlight coming through a window ... and there is a small mirror in front of me ... I don't look half bad. And if I turn just right ... and squint my eyes ... arch my back ... tilt my head ... I almost look like the hot girl my husband married nearly 11 years ago.
* What exactly is happening to my bicep??? Why is it hanging down and jiggling??? When exactly did I sprout wings???
* I realized if I walked around with my eyebrows raised ... my eyelids do not do that droppy thing. So it is either have droppy eyelids ... or walk around looking surprised all the time. I think I will go with the surprised look.
* "Sucking it in" ... screw it ... it takes to much effort.
* Since when do I get drunk off of 2 glasses of wine? In my 20's I could down 4 bottles and still be standing. Now ... 2 glasses later ... Clint is taking advantage of me.
I promise you kids ... Mommy use to be hot.
One itty bitty click below ... and you will vote for my blog. Come on ... help an agine woman out. Pretty please.
Oh crap!
I am another year older ...
Officially ...
Today ...
*sigh*.
I was NOT looking forward to turning "this number".
AT. ALL.
And NO I am not telling you my age. Not a chance. Not even if the fat lady sings, hell freezes over or pigs fly. We will just say ... that I have been turning 29 ... for the past few years now.
I honestly wanted to skip this day all together and pretend like it never happened.
But since my husband will not let me forget ...
And my children were brainwashed years ago into thinking that I am actually 4 years younger than I actually am ...
Then I will have to go along with it.
*sigh*
And celebrate my birrrr ...
birthhhhhh ...
*cough*
birthhhhhh ...
*cough again*
Birthday!!!
There ... I said it!!!
BIRTHDAY!!!
So I will celebrate a day that means I am that much closer to crows feet wrinkles, botox, body parts going south ...and staying south, lossing my memory, my "eggs" drying up, loss of bladder control, hot flashes, hearing aids, loosing all ability to burn any calories by just sitting and watching tv because my metabolism is shot, menopause, osteoporosis, gray hair, constipation ...
What were we talking about?!?!?
SH*T!!!
See!!!
My memory is already vanishing right before your very eyes ... and all I have done today is get out of bed and take the kids to school.
By 3:00 I might be sitting in the corner with drool coming out of my mouth ...
