Friday, July 22, 2011

Mommy use to be hot ...

I am a Mommy of 3 ... in my 30's ... and there are things happening to this body ... that I am not even sure Botox or Plastic Surgery will fix.

*  I am pretty sure my bladder is the size of Smurfette.

*  "Back fat" ... what the hell is this stuff and why isn't there a gurdle to cover it up.

*  My amazing perky 25 year old boobs went south for the winter ... and never come back

*  "Fine lines"???  What are these things???  They are more like canyons that are swallowing my face whole.

*  Metabolism ... G.O.N.E.

*  I think I am gonna start carrying post it notes with me at all times ... because I can never remember why the hell I walked into the kitchen.

*  Sneezing = Possibly peeing your pants just slightly.  What the hell is gonna happen to me when I am 80???

*  Grey hair???  What grey hair???  I go to the salon so often so that I never have to know when I get my first grey hair.

*  No one ever warned me that lack of sleep would form these huge bags under my eyes.  Actually ... they are not bags ... I have a full set of luggage under my eyes ... and it is enough for the Duggar Family (how many kids are they up to now???  18???  19???) to travel to Brazil for a month.

*  My ever so lovely ... "Muffin Top".  I have convinced myself that my husband thinks it is sexy when he wraps his arms around it.

*  Which leads me to the stretch marks that my 3 children blessed me with ... as a permanet reminder that I carried them for 9 months.  Yes ... I am pretty sure my husband finds my "skin decorations" just as sexy as the "muffin top".

*  I would really like to bitch slap myself  "back in the day" when I thought tanning beds were so darn amazing.  Now I am buying every type of face cream to try to reverse the fact that I layed in a microwave in my college years.

*  Things jiggle ... that sure did not jiggle when I was young, hot, fit and had amazing perky boobs.

*  Why am I suddenly squinting?  Didn't I have 20/20 vision the last time I got my eyes checked.  Which was only a few years ago ... or maybe 10 ... perhaps 15 years ago???  Note to self:  Make appointment to get eyes checked out.  Scratch that ... where are my post it notes???  I will forget it by the time I walk into the kitchen if I do not write this shit down.

*  If the lights are off ... and there is not an ounce of sunlight coming through a window ... and there is a small mirror in front of me ... I don't look half bad.  And if I turn just right ... and squint my eyes ... arch my back ... tilt my head ... I almost look like the hot girl my husband married nearly 11 years ago.

*  What exactly is happening to my bicep???  Why is it hanging down and jiggling???  When exactly did I sprout wings???

*  I realized if I walked around with my eyebrows raised ... my eyelids do not do that droppy thing.  So it is either have droppy eyelids ... or walk around looking surprised all the time.  I think I will go with the surprised look.

*  "Sucking it in" ... screw it ... it takes to much effort.

*  Since when do I get drunk off of 2 glasses of wine?  In my 20's I could down 4 bottles and still be standing.  Now ... 2 glasses later ... Clint is taking advantage of me.

I promise you kids ... Mommy use to be hot.

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