I'm BAAAAACK!!!

Well ... it has been a little over two years since I have last blogged.

Two. Freaking. Years.

I have not logged on, checked my comments, read my emails, looked at my traffic history (shit ... I still have over 200 people a day looking at my blog ... uhhh ... what are you people even looking at???), thought about a new blog post or even kept track of my password to log on here.

So why am I suddenly blogging???

I have not the slightest clue.

All I know is ... it is 3:30 in the FREAKING MORNING ... and my alarm is set to go off in TWO FLIPPING HOURS.  I have nothing to watch on the DVR.  Infomercials just make me wanna spend money.  My husband is working 3 hours away.  I am not about to start cleaning at this hour.  My children look like angels sleeping ... so I am not about to wake them ... only for them to turn into little terrors.  So ... that just leaves ... blogging.

Why have I not blogged in over two years???

Well ... I thought you would never ask ...

Because some gross DOUSCH BAGS thought they needed to leave detailed comments on my blog ... on what they wanted to do to my daughters.

Yeah ... pretty sure my husband would have ran them over with a truck ... and then backed up ... and do it all over again ... when I showed him the comments being left. 

I honestly ... stopped blogging right then and there.

Who the hell do these idiots think they are???  Blogging was my escape ... because lord knows therapy is not in our budget.  Blogging was the way I kept all of my memories.  Blogging was my way of saying everything ... that other Mom thought ... but never admitted to.  Blogging was ... well ... it was something I did.  For me.  So screw you ... gross guy ... sitting at the computer ... with a stained white tshirt ... beer belly ... has not showered in days.

I am taking my blog back!!!

So to all of my followers ... thanks for the continued support.

And I will chat with you soon ... shoot ... I have TWO YEARS of stories to share.


Click on the link below to vote for my blog ... 2 years ago I was ranked #14 ... I have a LONG ways to go before I am back among the cool Mommy bloggers.

Blogging 101 ...

Blogging has really taken over the world.  It truely has.  Everyone shares there business with everyone else out in cyber world. 

Shoot ... my little 'ol blog has some loyal readers in Canada and Japan.

Admit it ... I just went up a couple of cool points in your book!

Word!

Now ... I am by NO MEANS a professional Mommy blogger.

My punctuation ... language ... sense of humor ... run on sentences ... mispelled words ... would make any English teacher cringe ... and truely prevent me from taking over the blogging world.

But ... My blog is listed on Top Mommy Blogs and ...

Picket Fence Blogs ..

Go ahead and click on those websites above and vote for me.  Go ahead!  I'll wait!  I promise I will be right here when you get back ...

Anyways ... there are all of these Blogging Bootcamps, Seminars, Conventions, Online articles and a ba-zillion other things people can attend when it comes to helping you out in the "Blogging World".

I recently had some education of my own on the whole Blogging phenoninon ... and learned a butt load (is butt load a word???) of things that will help me promote my blog and attract more readers.  I was also informed of ways to have search engines pull up my blog post ... which in turn ... will get followers.

You know ... kind of like a pimp for your blog.

Except I am not putting out for cash.

Here are some of the things I have recently learned .

1.  Always update your blog!
Crap!  I have had a problem with that lately.

2.  Spell check helps.
Obviously I have not taken this piece of advice to heart yet.

3.  Use a list as much as you can.
SCORE!  I nailed that one in this blog!

4.  Always have a catch-ey title and use numbers if possible.
Come on now ... when you are standing in line at the grocery store ... your eyes go straight to the Cosmo magazine that says "10 ways to blow your mans mind in the bedroom".  EVERYONE wants to read that article.  It has a "catching title" and is "using numbers".

So I think I need to change the title of this blog post ...

4 or 5 or 10 things I have discovered about blogging ...

5.  Be funny and interesting!
BONUS!  In my life ... something intersting AND funny is ALWAYS happening!  I got this blogging world in the palm of my hands!

Better change this blog title again ...
4 or 5 or 10 FUNNY things I have discovered about blogging ...

6.  Talk about anything and everything.  People wanna hear your dirty little secrets.
Not so sure my husband Clint will go for this one.  Just sayin ...

7.  Always update your blog background.
*sigh*  Do you have ANY idea how long it takes for me to change the background of my blog?!?!?!  ESPECIALLY if I redo it ... and THEN decide I do not like it.  *sigh*

8.  Define your brand as a blogger.
Does chaotic count as a brand???

9. I need to focus on my SEO ... Search Engine Optimization.
Now I am FAR from computer savey.  In fact ... I am pretty sure that my 8 year old knows more about computers than I do.  BUT ... from what I gather ... the more you add frequently searched words and phrases ... the more your blog will pull up on the search engines.  In other words ... if someone types in "boobs" ... and I randomly put the word "boobs" in my blog post ... that reader could possible stumble upon my blog ... and become a loyal reader.

Is that how you go to my blog?!?!?!?


Yes ... you over there with the beer in your hand.

Did you type in "boobs"?!?!?!

BUSTED!!!

OH!!!  And I also read that you should put those words in bold letters.


So ... basically I just need to add words like ...
1.  Sex
2.  Boobs
3.  Kim Kardashian gets married
4.  Beer
5.  Sports
6.  Politics
7.  News
8   Flat Abs
9.  Loose inches
10. Blow jobs

Better change the title to this blog post again ...
4 or 5 or 10 FUNNY things I have discovered about politics while watching the news while having sex in attempt to loose 15 pounds in 2 days to get the flat abs that I want because I drank too much beer while watching sports and blogging ...

Now THAT is one CATCHY blog title!!!

Surely google will pull up this blog post when someone starts to search tonight!!!

10.  If all else fails ... bribe and beg people to read your blog.
Don't mind if I do!!!

You all come back now ... Ya hear!!!

Pretty please ... with sugar on top?!?!?

Oh!!!  Don't forget to click on the cute little link below.  One click is all it takes to vote for my blog.  Do I need to bride you???  What about begging???