Tears still fall ...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 So . . . 10 years ago, today, I lost my Grandma. I can sit here and still remember that moment. I was still asleep that sad morning. I was having a dream about my Grandma, infact. Her and I were sitting at her kitchen table. She looked at me, put her hand on mine and said "I am ok". She got up and walked to the sink. I remember staring at her in my dream smiling at her as she stood up and walked to the sink (she had her leg amputated the day before she passed away due to diabetes). I then woke up to the phone ringing. My Dad answered the phone and I knew at that moment what was being said at the other end of the phone. I can remember praying at that very moment for the news to change before my Dad got to my door of my bedroom . . . Dear God . . . please . . . do not tell me what I think you are about to tell me . . . . I cried for hours . . . for days . . . for weeks. I went home this past weekend for Easter, so I made a special trip to the cemetary to visit her. I took roses and had all these things planed in my head that I was going to tell her. I had not been back to the gravesite for 8 years. It had been way to long and I felt horrible about that. As I got closer to the cemetary the tears just kept building up. I really did not think that I was going to be so emotional over it. After all . . . it had been 10 years. As I got out of the car, the tears just kept falling down my face. Everything was blurry because I was crying so hard. I layed the roses on her grave and just kept crying. All those things I wanted to tell her . . .. they just could not come out of my mouth. All of those old feelings came flooding back. All that I could say was "I love you". So eventually I got back into the car and as we were driving off I felt bad that I did not say all the things that I wanted to say . . . but I realized that she knew . . . she watches over me every single day. She knows about Clint, and my beuatiful kids: Breeanna, Harleigh, and Eythen. She knows who I have become in life and what I have accomplished. I hope that she is proud of the woman that I am today. Because after all . . . a part of her made me who I am today because she loved me. Grandma . . . I miss you so very much! I love you!!! There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I miss walking down the road to your house to make cookies with you and have a gossip session. To this day, when I see Hubba Bubba bubble gum I flash back to you. I still wanna put candy bars in the frig and wish I could make a coconut cream pie the way you did. I remember the stoires you told me and the millions of times we played Gold Fish. I remember you watching "The Young and the Restless" and "The Price is Right" on the days that I stayed home from school with you. Or how you could make gravy out of ANYthing and your mashed potatoes were the best. God Bless you, Grandma.