She was the first family member I had to deal with loosing.
She was my friend.
And she knew everything in my eyes.
Moments before my Dad got the phone call about my Grandma passing away ... I was having a dream about her. I was sitting in her kitchen and she was walking towards me telling me that she was ok. I remember staring at her in amazement ... because she was walking. I kept asking her if her leg was ok and if she was hurting. (The day before hand ... she had surgery and had part of her leg amputated in hopes of it bettering her health after diabetes hurt the circulation in her leg.) She kept assuring me that she was ok. Just as she lead over to kiss my forehead ...
The phone rang ...
I woke up ...
And I heard my Dad on the phone.
I knew at that moment ... that the world lost a really cool lady.
And I was crushed.
I cried ...
And cried ...
And cried ...
Till there were honestly no tears left ...
The visitation was really awkard for me. I remember sitting in the back of the room ... watching everyone walk around talking quielty to one another. I could not understand how people were talking ... as my Grandma layed in the front of the room. I knew her sole was already in heaven ... but SHE was still there. What was the purpose of this evening? I did not understand why we were all in this small room ... that felt like it was getting smaller by the moment ... as my Grandma layed in a wooden box ... and I sat there staring at the coffin.
All I could do was cry ...
All I knew that very night ...
Was that my Grandma was gone.
And I was not ready to let go of her yet.
I grew up with her only a quarer of a mile down the road from me. I would ride my bike, three wheeler or walk down to her house countless times throughout the years.
Her and I had a special bond.
It is something I can not describe ... but it was there.
It is still there.
And will always be there.
I truely enjoyed talking to her ...
And listening to her stories about when her and Grandpa first met, baking cookies, picking "wild onions" along the fence, listening to her read books to my sister and I, looking through her Bible, playing goldfish and crazy 8 card games.
Her house always had Hubba Bubba bubble gum, Reese Peanut Butter cups, cold Pepsi in the frig, mashed potatoes and gravy on the dinner table, colorful string to make hats with, cool stationary that she always let my sister and I draw on and clip on earrings that she let us wear whenever we wanted to.
I loved hanging out with her.
Even though it has been 14 years since I last saw her ... I still talk to her. I take flowers to her graveside yearly. I introduced each of my children to her right after they were born. The song "Because you loved me" makes me think of her every time I hear it. There are moments that I can truely sense that she is around me ... and I am suddenly calm and at peace at that very moment. Sometimes when I am praying ... I just flat out ask God if I can talk to her ... and I know she is there ... listening. Granit ... she is probably telling me to snap back to reality and get a grip on myself ... but none the less ... I know she is there.
I miss you Grandma ... and I will see you someday ... up in heaven.
