Thursday, November 20, 2014

Someone catch me if I fall ...

I would just like to fill you in on how my Monday morning at the gym went ...

*  pull up to gym and stare at the gym door

*  debate about turning around and coming home because it is so cold outside

*  do not wanna have to these adorable Senior Citizens ... whom are power walking up to the gym doors think that I am a "wuss"

*  whimper a little bit as the cold air hits me the second I open up my Navigator doors

*  think to myself that being called a "wuss" is not such a bad thing

*  open up gym doors and drag myself inside

*  immediately see a cute little girl in a sports bra and booty shorts ... laying on the floor working out her extremely flat ... never had a baby in her tummy before ... not a single stretch mark in sight ... tan as can be considering summer was months ago ... tight abs

*  call her a bitch under my breath

*  walk past skinny little bitch laying on floor and secretly wanna trip over her

*  get on ellipitical machine

*  nearly fall off ellipitical machine while trying to put my ear phones on

*  looking around to make sure skinny little bitch ... who is now doing lunges across the floor ... did not see me nearly take a nose dive off the ellipitical machine

*  working up a sweat

*  certain I have been on eliptical for at least 45 minutes

*  nope ... a minute and a half


*  debate with myself if 2 minutes is a good warm up

*  skinny little bitch is still doing lunges across the floor

*  pretty sure I am about to have a heart attack if I do not get off the eliptical machine

*  legs feel like jello

*  debate on sticking foot out to "accidentally" trip skinny little bitch in her sports bra and booty shorts who is now jump roping

*  must do leg workout ... but not sure if my limp legs can even comprehend what they are suppose to do

*  owie

*  oh shit that hurts

*  attention ... anyone ... EXCEPT skinny bitch ... catch me if I fall ... my legs are noodles

*  skinny little bitch leaves just in time for me to be able to do my lunges across the gym

*  my lunges do not look nearly as pretty as hers did

*  debate with myself on if my butt looks big in the yoga pants I have on ... as I watch myself in the mirror doing lunges

*  yep ... my butt looks big

*  what was that noise???

*  oh crap!!!  my stomach is growling

*  not a good time for my body to be making noises

*  good thing skinny little bitch is no longer here to hear my bodily noises

*  start to think about what I am gonna have for lunch as I go across the floor ... with my legs feeling like jello ... trying to do the lunges ... with my big butt following me

*  a cheeseburger sure does sound good

*  great ... now I am thirsty

*  i wonder if there is a pop machine around here

*  oh yeah ... no sugar ... fucking stupid diabetes

*  nope ... just a stupid germy water fountain

shit GROSS

*  cardio done ... legs done ... now onto the abs

*  young muscular guy enters gym

*  young muscular guy thinks everyone is checking him out

*  young muscular guy ... who thinks he is the bomb ... is already annoying me

*  young muscular guy ... lifting weights ... over by the area ... I need to be at to do my ab workout


* young muscular guy ... now taking a selfie ... in the mirror ... while flexing

* I might have possibly just thrown up in my mouth a little bit.  Not exactly sure if it is from working out ... or the annoying muscular guy thinking he is all that and a bag of chips

* oh chips!!!  that sounds amazing right now!!!

*  standing in the middle of the gym like a lost little girl because I do not wanna take my big butt in yoga pants ... over to the same area as young muscular guy ... and his young muscular friend who just joined him ... are currently still taking selfies in the mirror

*  pretending like I am stretching in hopes they leave the area

*  secretly hoping they drop a dumbbell on their toe as they admire themselves in the mirror ... as they do their arm workout

*  screw this ... I will just take my yoga pant wearing ... 3 baby having ... junk in the trunk behind ... no makeup on ... oversized sweatshirt ... really wanting a Dr. Pepper ... home and do my ab work out infront of the cat and dog

*  begin to wonder if the cat and dog secretly laugh at me

*  quickly saying a prayer that I do not fall ... due to my jello legs ... as I walk across the gym floor

*  debate on which gym I would switch to if I did fall face first on the gym floor

*  whimper slightly as the cold air hits me once I open the gym doors

*  curl up around my steering wheel while my back hurts from shaking so hard because my Navigator is freezing cold

Just wait till you hear about my workout on Wednesday ... it was arm day ... and the gym was full of Senior Citizens.

Note to self:  Come to the gym when I am the only one there.  Perhaps 1 a.m. is a good time?!?!?

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