Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What I have learned from my children ...

Once you pop that baby out in the hospital ... they just turn you loose with that itty bitty precious thing.  You do not have to take a test.  You do not have to raise your right hand and repeat anything.  You do not get a book, phamphlet or even the cliff notes on how to be a parent.  You just suddenly have to fly by the seat of your pants ... and wing it. 

Forget the Parenting Books. Throw them out the window. They are no help. Trust me! I speak from experience.  I bought them all, checked them out from the local libray and googled anything and everything possible on how to be a good Mommy. 

Shoot ... I do not wanna be the reason my little ones are in therapy in future years.  That is alot of pressure!  *gulp*  Can you imagine one of my children laying on the couch one day talking to a therapist ... suddenly realizing that their Mom or Dad screwed them up.  We did not buy them a toy at Target one day and it threw their whole world out of balance.  Or the one time that we were late for a soccer game and it has given them anxiety ever since.  How about the time that we gave them cookies and milk for dinner and they have never looked at food the same again.  *sigh*

I have been a Mommy for 9 years now. It has been the best time of my life ... the hardest ... the funniest ... the sadest ... and the most educational ... scariest ... most rewarding ... thing that I could ever imagined doing in my life.  By all means I am not the perfect parent ... BY FAR!  Not even close!  But ... I try my best and do my best and attempt my best ... so they can be their best.   

This blog ... it will teach you more than any book, phamplet, cliff note or google search will ever attempt to teach you.

1.  There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

2.  A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3.  A 5 year old standing ontop of the bunkbed with a SuperMan costume on ... is never a good idea.

4.  When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

5.  A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.  The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.  When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.

8.  A 4-year old can take apart and put together a Transformer faster than a 32 year old man.
9.  Legos can get picked up in a vacuum.

10. A new vacuum will need to be purchased once you try to sweep up legos.

11. 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Small pets and microwaves are a bad combination.

13. Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.

14. Crayons do not remain solid when stored on a car's dashboard on a hot summer day.

15. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

16. Pool filters do not like Jello-O.

17. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

18. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

19. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

20. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

21. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

22. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

23. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

24. Never leave a toddler and a box of crayons alone in a room.

25. Never leave a toddler and a box of donuts alone in a room.

26. No matter how many times you ask ... you can not tie your little brother to a chair.

27. You can't hide apple slices in a glass of milk.

28. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, although TV commercials show they do.

29. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

30. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.  

31. Plastic toys do not like ovens.  

32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make grasshoppers dizzy.

33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

35. Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

36. Never dare your little brother to paint himself with a Sharpie marker.

37. Never leave your purse around a toddler ... who has access to a pen ... and thinks your checkbook is a coloring book.

38. Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.

39. Never spit when on a roller coaster.

40. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.

41. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.

42. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

43. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.  

44. Never ask for anything that costs more than ten dollars when your parents are paying the monthly bills. 

45. Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

46. When you want something expensive, ask your Grammy and Papa.

47. Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.

48. You should never take a goldfish for a walk; even on a leash.  

49. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life.
50. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grammy's lap.

P.S.  Clinton ... I can not imagine going through the "parenting world" with anyone but you!  We may be out numbered and exhausted at times ... which might lead to one too many glasses of wine or cans of beer at times ... but I think we just might have this parenting thing down.  Maybe.  That could all change by tomorrow when one of them decides to throw us a curve ball.  You never know.  You just never know.


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