Thanks for the emails ...

I just want to take a moment and thank each and every one of you for the many forwards that I get in my inbox each and every day.  I have received so many educational emails over the past several years.  I thought I would take a moment to share with you every thing that I have learned along the way.  It is amazing what one will learn ... when they simply click on that email ... open it up ... and begin to soak up all the knowledge. 



Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone ... without immediately digging for my hand sanitizer in my purse.

Eating a Little Debbie snack cake, sends me on a horrible guilt trip.  I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.


I can no longer sit my purse on the floor ... or I will have 17 years of bad luck.

I must send a special thanks to whomever sent me the email about poop being in the glue on envelopes.  Because of you ... I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have a savings account, because I gave it to a charity that swore up and down that every single penny that I gave them would help save the world.

I no longer have any money in my checking account either ... but I can not blame that on an email honestly. 

BUT ... the good news it ... that will soon change!  I received an email stating that I will be receiving $15,000 from Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL.  They are sending me a check because I participated in their special e-mail program.  You know the one ... all I had to do was forward their email to every person in my inbox.  You bet your bottom dollar I sent that email to everyone I knew. 

Speaking of money ... I should be getting a check for $1,456,8943,546,234.14 in the mail as well.  I got an email from a person in Singapore that said they had all of this money that they were wanting to share with me.  Am I lucky OR WHAT?!?!?! 


Lucky for me ... I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore.  The email told me that it will blow up in my face ... disfiguring me for life.  You saved me!  Thank you!


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number ... for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ... totaling more than what my first house cost.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine.  After reading the email about the big brown African spider lurking under the seat in some random person's bathroom ... no thank you!  I do not want it biting my butt and sending me in to an instant death.  I can only imagine what could have possibly happened to me if I did not open that email and read all the educational stuff that day.  WHEW!  That was a close call!


And thanks to your great advice, I will never pick up a $5 bill that was dropped in the parking lot.  Rumor has it ... it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car ... ready to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!


I also learned that if you do not send an e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, the world will suddenly burst into flames.  You do not want that on your hands ... do you?  It actually happened to a friend of mine's - next door neighbor's - ex-mother-in-law's - second husband's - cousin's - beautician.  Better remember to ALWAYS forward those emails.  The world's future is in YOUR hands.


Thanks again for the zillion educational emails that I have received through out the years.

Have a wonderful day....


Oh, by the way.....


A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late ...

An email told me that tid bit of information, too!