Monday, March 15, 2010

Home Remedies ...

Don't panic!  Help is on the way!  That's right ... you are about to get a list of things that are going to help you when you get in a pickle.  Did I just say, pickle?  What the heck?  Scratch that ...

Listen up!  And listen good!  I am about to give you some very important information.  It might just help save you from a life or death moment. 

1.  Clumsy?  No problem!  Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables ... by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.   

2.  If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

3.  A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

4.  Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache

5.  If you have a bad cough ... take a large amount dose of laxatives.  Then you will be too afraid to cough.
6.  Forget the countless trips to Home Depot!  You only need !!!TWO!!!  YES ... I said TWO ... tools in life.  WD 40 and Duct Tape.  If it does not move ... and it should ... use the WD 40.  If it should not move ... and it does ... use the Duct Tape.

7.  It is very important to remember that everyone seems normal until you get to know them!  After all ... he/she could have a freezer full of heads ... and they are just one away from completing their collection?!?!?! 

8.  If you can't fix it with a hammer ... you must have an electrical problem.

9.  Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.  Just sayin.  Take the advice ... or ignore it.  But don't say I did not warn ya.

10. High Blood pressure:  Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes.  This will help reduce the pressure in your veins. ALWAYS remember to use a timer.  Other wise ... you might have an even bigger problem than high blood pressure.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance to fix all of the things that you screwed majorly the day before.

12. Most importantly!!!  I mean ... the MOST important rule to live by in life ... Be really nice to your family and friends ... you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.  Think of that the next time you wanna tell one of them to screw off.


Post a Comment

Leave a comment so I know you were here!!!